I think of blogging the way I think of performing on stage, or giving a presentation. It highlights my vulnerability and inadequacies, bringing to mind every cringe-inducing memory of failure.

Eventually, I tire of even trying. I still challenge myself, but in private ways - books read, guitar chords learned, movies watched - and in less private ways - friendships maintained, performances attended, causes contributed to.

Not so with giving a presentation, or performing on a stage. I remember when I danced on stage, once. My friend was giving a talk that was to end with dance performance, and she wanted her friends to help her with that dance. I jumped at the chance, thinking it would be a good story at the very least. We practiced together, I got my outfit set, and the day came. I felt tense, nervous, trapped. And I honestly have no memory of what came after - I’ve seen videos, but it’s a blank space in my memory. I disassociated from the actual event. It’s how I handled the fear.

Blogging doesn’t allow this. I must be present to blog; writing words is a deliberate act that demands attention. But when I try, I feel the fear come up, with no way to escape it except to not do it.

That’s where I’m at right now, with no resolution in sight and unsure of where to try next.